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Acts of the Clerics[]

One of the Holy Books, this is a True History of the Order of the Holy Contradiction (or at least the parts that we decided to keep), according to ucim of xkcd, the Pope of the Order of the Holy Contradiction.

SPECIAL NOTE TO TIME TRAVELLERS: The link targets are on the One True Thread, and thus may lead you to spoilers if you have not yet reached that NewPage.  The NP of the post is noted in the table for your safety.  Those NP numbers may not be stable, as posts can get deleted and firstposts can get unhidden, changing the (forum) page layout, but they should be within +/- 1 NP, which is close enough.

SPECIAL NOTE TO THOSE FROM THE OUTSIDE: These Sacred Texts are meant to be read in the context of the One True Thread and the One True Comic, without which they will make little sense.  At the very least, you should follow along with one of the Holy Gospels to provide context and allow enlightenment to dawn.  And of course, always remember the First Commandment: "Wait for it".

SPECIAL NOTE REGARDING THE MIRROR (and the nonfunctioning original links): Since the original xkcd forums are gone, only the mirror remains. And as there is no search function on the OTT mirror, there is no mirror link to retrieve all chapters as a search result (see below). So you will need to use the (mirror) links to retrieve these Holy Texts, each separately. The original OTT links remain for their archeological value.

Link to chapter NP of chapter Chapter title
Prologue the First (Mirror) 454 The newly created Pope of the Order of the Holy Contradiction grants BlitzGirl a private audience, blessing her as BlitzGirl the First, and consecrating her Gospel.
Prologue the Next: BlitzGirl's wisdom (Mirror) 454 BlitzGirl's words of wisdom to the Pope; words that should be remembered for all Time, and for all of time.
All the following chapters This link would have returned all of the following chapters as one xkcd search result, if the xkcd forums were still operational. But they are not. So you will need to use the (mirror) links to retrieve these Holy Texts separately. The original OTT links remain for their archeological value. The Prologue and BlitzGirl's wisdom, above, will also need to be retrieved separately, as well as the Illustrations (such as those for Act 3). That was always the case.
Act 1 scene 1 (Mirror) 539 The First BlitzGirl the Next ceremony, celebrating Selcouth and PhoenixRising.
Scene 2 (Mirror) 600 Flado becomes the next BlitzGirl the Next. The first cleric receives enlightenment.
Chapter 3 (Mirror) 609 The first cleric becomes First Cleric
Act 1, scene 4 (Mirror) 626 The Crisis of Vytron, and the Pilgrim Service
Scene 5 (Mirror) 643 Lost: edfel becomes the Holy Catographer
Chapter 6 (Mirror) 672

The Unthinkable

Scene 7 (Mirror) 699


Chapter 8 (Mirror) 751 Vytron's cannonization as a BlitzGirl the Next
Act 1, scene 9 (Mirror) 762 The First Cleric attempts a canonization
Chapter 10 (Mirror) 782 The Pope and second scribe return to the Castle.
Scene 11 (Mirror) 805 The BlitzRocket
Act 1, scene 12 (Mirror) 862 The arrival of taixzo, the Pope meets CasCat.  (Note - also includes the last part of Act 1, scene 11)
Chapter 13 (Mirror) 902 The cannonization of CasCat and taixzo, each as BlitzGirl the Next, and also each as BlitzGirl the Fast.  The red button.
Scene 14 (Mirror) 966 The Pope and the BlitzRocket controls.  Attack of the keyboards.
Act 1, scene 15 (Mirror) 1017 BlitzGirl and the Knights Temporal prepare for war.  Song: Onward!
Scene 16 (Mirror) 1063 Rescuing the Pope from the BlitzRocket
Chapter 17 (Mirror) 1089 The long night.  The end of innocence.
Scene 18 (Mirror) 1135 The cannonization of tman2nd as BlitzGirl the Next, remembering Neil_Boekend
Act 2, scene 1 (Mirror) 1195 Run!
Scene 20 (Mirror) 1292 Holy Moly Water!
Chapter 21 (Mirror) 1315 Splashdown
Scene 22 (Mirror) 1332 Rescue
XXIII (Mirror) 1346 Convoy of the clerecy and the foreign couple.
Act 2, scene 6 (Mirror) 1366 Reunion, and the cannonization of thirds as BlitzGirl the Next
Chapter 25 (Mirror) 1387 The Holy Arrow of Armageddon

Scene 26 (Mirror)

RELATED Illustration by BlitzGirl in this post (Mirror)

RELATED illustration (Mirror), by mrob27, in this post (Mirror) from NP 1804 (spoiler-free for NP1426 or later).

1411 A Great Miracle Occurred Here
Transcript # 27 (Mirror) 1449 The Consecration of the new Holy Grounds of the Church
Chapter 28 (Mirror) 1483 Born again
Act 2, scene 11 (Mirror) 1500 Dawn of a New Age: welcome of the Raft People, cannonization of TheMinim as BlitzGirl the Next and of RobIrr as BlitzGirl the Primordial, yappobiscuts becomes the Mighty Troubadour.

Act 3, scene 1 (Mirror) illustrated by the Hot Diggety himself (Mirror)


Building the cathedral: Eternal Density becomes Hot Diggety

Chapter 31 (Mirror) 1631 Recovering the Holy Arrow, 503
Chapter 32 (Mirror) 1675 The Outside
Scene 33 (Mirror) 1700 The rescue of First Cleric, and the Canonization of MistyCat as BlitzGirl the Next

Act 3, scene 5 (Mirror)

illustrated here (Mirror) and also here (Mirror) by balthasar_s

1714 The Holy Expedition of balthasar_s

Scene 35 (Mirror)

Illustrated here (Mirror) (in this post (Mirror)), here (Mirror), in this post (Mirror) , and here (Mirror) in this post (Mirror) (all by balthasar_s)

1791 The phone call
Chapter 36 (Mirror) 1824 The Stations of the Ong
Chapter 37 (Mirror) 1851 The Madness
Scene 38 (Mirror) 1971 Rosetta, and cannonization of karhell as BlitzGirl the Next
XXXIX (Mirror) 2068 The return of First Cleric, with enlightenment.
Chapter 40 (Mirror) 2117 The canonization of macraw83 as BlitzGirl the Next, waveny becomes Big Banana of Code.  First Cleric struggles to remember.
Act 3 scene 12 (Mirror) 2131 The meaning of mustard
Chapter 42 (Mirror) 2173 That empty feeling
Scene 43 (Mirror) 2226 Beidah, jimbobmacdoodle and the Skycastle.  First Cleric sets out.
Chapter 44, verses 1 thru 25 (Mirror) 2229 The Prayer of Community, or the Sharing of the Ong
Scene 45 (Mirror) 2249 The canonization of Beidah and jimbobmacdoodle, each as BlitzGirl the Primordial; hints of First Cleric's quest.
Chapter 46 (Mirror) 2279 First Cleric meets Destiny
XLVII (Mirror) 2395


Chapter 48 (Mirror) 2439 Confession
Act 3 Scene 20 (Mirror)

RELATED illustration (Mirror) from this post by BlitzGirl (Mirror), following this post (Mirror).

2455 BlitzGirl at the Dawn of Time
Scene 50 (Mirror) 2466 Enhance!
Act 3 Scene 22 (Mirror) 2471 Trance
Chapter 52 (Mirror) 2475 The author of the scroll of the mystery ONGs
Scene 53 (Mirror) 2478 The canonization of Ember and and Gingercat, each as BlitzGirl the Next; mscha and newpixbot, each as Holy Croce; ggh as Agatha the Awesomeful; and the Other True Authors: Latent22, waveny, SilentTimer, and taixzo, and the Other Related Authors: azule, balthasar_s, Kieryn, and mrob27, all each as Bringer of the Light.
Chapter 54 (Mirror) 2513 addams
Chapter 55, verses 1-63 (Mirror) 2525

The cannonization of Rakhal as BlitzGirl the Next.

Chapter 56 (Mirror) 2549 Lunch
Act 3 Scene 28 (Mirror) 2585

The Cauldron

Chapter 58 (Mirror) 2618

Randall's Eye

Chapter 59 verses 1-46 (Mirror) 2621

It was not always so.

Scene 60 (Mirror) 2638

The Icons of Advent

Chapter 61 (Mirror) 2646 Bringing down the tablet from the cliffs
Scene 62 (Mirror) 2650 Ahoy there!
Chapter 63 (Mirror) 2657 The canonization of Sustainablizer as BlitzGirl the Next.
14 Tribulation, 10 AT 71 on the Mustardtime Otherthread (which shares a host with the mirror) A tribute to Mrs. Pope.